Common Reactions of Caregivers

Common reactions of caregivers when individuals have been abused:

Caregivers react in many ways upon discovering that someone they love may have been sexually or physically abused. It is normal to feel any number of these reactions or none at all. It can be helpful to get support from friends, family, counselors, or spiritual advisors.

Disbelief or Denial
It is a normal reaction for any caregiver to have some amount of denial when first
hearing about the abuse. It may be because it is an overwhelming topic, many
don’t believe it could happen, or because it may be difficult to believe that
someone that you know and trust abused your loved one.

Guilt and Self-Blame
Caregivers often feel like the abuse is their fault for not being more aware or
for trusting the alleged offender. It is important to remember that if abuse
occurred, it is the fault of the person who did it, NOT yours or your loved
one.

Anger
You may experience anger with the alleged offender for what they did. You may also be
angry with yourself or other caregivers for not protecting your loved one. You
may even feel angry with your loved one. It is important to express these
emotions with a trusted friend, relative, or mental health professional. If you
express your anger to your loved one, it is important for them to know
that it is not their fault that you are angry. You can say “I’m angry, but not
at you.” Be careful not take it out on your loved one.

Fear
There can sometimes be concerns that the alleged offender may try to harm or retaliate
against you or your family. Talk to law enforcement or a victim advocate,
CornerHouse Family Services staff, or another trusted resource.

Helplessness
You may feel as though things are out of your control or you don’t know how to help or
support your loved one. You may even fear that your loved one will be taken
away from you. The CornerHouse Family Services staff can help to support you
communicate with law enforcement or child protection to ask questions.

Hurt and Betrayed
It is common to feel hurt or betrayed especially if the alleged offender is
someone you were close to and trusted.

Impacted Relationships
This can affect family dynamics and other relationships especially if the
alleged offender was someone close to the family or in the family. You can also
have feelings of sexual inadequacy if the alleged offender was a partner. 

Confusion/“Why didn’t they tell me?”
It is common for an individual to not tell their parent or
caregiver. The alleged offender may have threatened the individual including
that they or you could be harmed or they could be taken away. Reassure your
loved one that telling was a brave and important thing to do.

How to best help your loved one:

Individuals express their feelings through words and/or behaviors. Let your loved one know that you are there to listen if they need to talk. Reassure and support them. Do not repeatedly bring up the topic; it may cause your loved one to shut you and others out rather than open up. Let your loved one know that it was not their fault, no matter what they did or did not do. It may be hard for your loved one to talk to you about things that are personal, painful, or embarrassing. It is okay if your loved one needs to talk to other safe adults.

What you can say:

  • I believe you.

  • I know it’s not your fault.

  • I am glad I know about it.

  • I’m proud that you told; that was an important thing to do

  • I’m so sorry this happened to you.

  • I am upset/angry/disappointed/etc., but not at you.

  • You can still love someone,but hate what they did to you.

  • I am proud of you and I love you.

  • I will take care of you.

  • I am not sure what will happen next.

  • Nothing about you made this happen. It happens to other individuals too.

  • You don’t need to take care of me.

  • I’m angry at the person who did this.

  • I’m sad. You may see me cry. That’s all right.

  • I will be able to take care of you. I am not mad at you.

  • I don’t know why the person did it. They
    have a problem.

The National Children’s Advocacy Center. (2013). To guide you through the system: A handbook for caregivers of abused children. Huntsville, AL:. The National Children’s Advocacy Center.

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